Funny Cartoon Bookmarks That Involve Reading Jokes
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it
I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.
Man, I just can't put this thing down.
A blonde walks into a library..
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
Don't Bullshit Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today
It said: "Pineapples: five cubed."
I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.
I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month...
...I'll be done reading this dictionary.
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed...
how could anyone stoop so low
You can explore reading book reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean reading chapter dad jokes. There are also reading puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Invisible man
Invisible man goes to the doctor.
Doctor says "I can't see you right now."
-Christ Novacelic, Reading 1992
At church, last sunday
…, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"
Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....
I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.
I've been reading a book on euthanasia...
It's so good I can't put it down.
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
A Wife's Headache
A man walks into his bedroom, where is wife is reading. "Honey, I brought you some aspirin for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
"Gotcha!"
I was reading a book on Anti-Gravity
I found it difficult to put down.
50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...
... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...
But it put her to sleep.
I went to a job interview at EA
The interviewer, after reading my CV, said:
"I see that this CV was clearly printed on two pages, but I only have one. Where's the other one?"
"Page two is 19.99$"
What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?
Speechless
Reading it one time might be not enough.
-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
-"Will Knot"
-"Why not?"
-"My name is Knott"
-"Knot what?"
-"Not Watt, Knott."
-"What?"
A shopkeeper was dismayed...
when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading LOWEST PRICES! He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.
5 minutes
A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
I was reading in the paper...
And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I thought to myself, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.
It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol
I think I will quit reading soon.
A woman searches for something in the living room.
After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:
- Have you seen my book?
- Which one?
- How to live to become 100 years old.
- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.
- But why?
- Your mother started reading it...
"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"
He just said "That's a D, you idiot."
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"
Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.
I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.
I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…
I can feel it…
Best son ever
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.
The sign reads as follows:
* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* Handjob $10
After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."
So I was teaching my brother English...
I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.
I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.
It was about time.
A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.
Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.
Why do old people start reading the bible more often?
They are studying for their final exam.
I began speed reading, and just last night I read The Da Vinci Code in fifteen minutes.
I know it's only 4 words, but it's a start.
Help! I can't stop reading fantasy novels with female protagonists...
...I'm a heroine addict.
A woman is standing naked in front of her bedroom mirror.
"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."
He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."
What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?
Putting it down
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?
She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.
Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.
I started reading "Old Yeller" today ..
But I had to put it down.
Happy father's day!
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!
This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants
It's not my fault I have to read things in braille
A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"
He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"
But then an idea struck him!
The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"
Dad, I'm so excited. I got a B in reading!
Dad: That's a D, idiot.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.
One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."
I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day
After the first few lines I was hooked.
A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm
The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."
The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."
To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
And I'm thinking,
"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
I've just started reading a book in braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"
He didn't like it so he put it down
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says, "What's his name?"
Mick replies, "Miles, from London."
How many morons does it take to read a reddit post?
Just one.
Thanks for reading.
Santa has been reading all your posts.
Most of you are getting dictionaries.
I keep reading about all these patriots, draped in bright colors and repeating exactly what is said to them, though without any real understanding.
Did they maybe mean to write "parrots?"
If I'm reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times
A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"
To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"
A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"
The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"
I was reading a book on anti gravity last night.
I found it quite difficult to put down.
I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"
Then i told him "its a long story"
A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.
A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.
Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!
When he was a teenager, little Johnny's father caught him reading one of his older sister's magazines. Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine? he asked.
There's an article that tells women where to meet men, Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine's cover. I need to know where I'm supposed to be.
I've been reading a book called How To Use A Ladder
Well, it's more of a step-by-step guide.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.
a small village is home to three witches.
One witch puts up a sign in front of her house reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the world!" A second witch sees the sign and puts up her own, reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the universe!" The third witch sees both signs and puts up her own sign reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the village".
-My wife read the book "Twins" and she gave birth to twins
\-Mine read the book "Three little girls" and she gave birth to triplets
\-Oh my god! I left my wife reading "Ali baba and the forty thieves"
Daughters response to my wife's question
Wife: is the book you were reading a paperback or hardcover?
Daughter: it's a paperback, AND a paper front
Reading all of these dad jokes make me numb. But math jokes...
make me number.
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
I like ten.
I just finished reading the bible.
I found the plot very holey.
I was reading an Indian cookbook the other day. The recipe asked for butter, they actually meant Ghee...
They should have clarified
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Source: https://jokojokes.com/reading-jokes.html